Broken into Wholeness
*Deep breath*
Yesterday. Wow.
Yesterday was one of the happiest and hardest days of my life in a long time. I've never felt so drained and lost, and yet, free. I'll try to explain...
First, I'm sure all of you saw my blushing and uncomfortableness when I was in the Reynolds hotseat. :) I'm not sure why, but I suppose I felt intimidated. When I'm put on the spot, my mind goes blank, and I feel very flustered. So that made it really hard to focus, and I felt my hands shaking.
That didn't start things off too well. But then, we began to discuss (well, Dr. Reynolds lectured) about how we Americans tend to define ourselves by what we do, what our function is.
It seems like that has been me for most of my life. I've never really considered that I could ever be cared for for me; I've always had this subconscious idea that somehow, for people to approve of and like me, I'd have to only act a certain way, to portray myself as the person I always wished I was. The idea that people could love me for my me-ness, just for who I am, seems so simple, but it was mind-blowing. You mean I don't have to always be guarded? It's okay to be me? People can like me for me? God is in love with me for myself, and not for how I act or what I do?
God forgive me, I haven't been living in charity, with unmerited love. Somehow...I've slid into a pit of legalism, thinking of my friends back at home in terms of what they can do for me. Comparing them with you friends, when I should love them for themselves. That seems like it should be enough.
When Dr. Reynolds said, "Don't you want someone to love you for yourself?" I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Something in me completely melted into a puddle on the floor. I guess I never really considered that it could be possible. Perhaps that isn't correct...I've seen it in action, with my parents, but I guess I thought I was a special case. I thought maybe I could earn love if I were enough. If I did enough, if I was smart enough, witty enough, pretty enough. But I finally realize that it's okay to be me. To be Lauren. Faults and defects and all.
Yesterday, I felt really drained and tested and broken. Yet I left session with an other-worldly sense of freedom. I know I'll still struggle with striving, but it's ok to be me. And it's never been okay to be me. I've always struggled with comparing myself to others and falling completely short. But now it is. I'm me, and by God's grace, that's enough. He loves me "just as I am." I'm free. God broke me, and put me back together again. (I sound like Humpty Dumpty.)
Then, we went to play "Sardines" around Metzger, and I had this crazy sense of freedom. I wanted to run for joy and never get tired. (Though Karissa thought I was crazy.) I wanted to frolic. I looked up at the few stars and the sliver of moon, and thought, "God's in heaven, all's right with the world."
Thanks guys, for each one of you. For who you are. You have no idea how much I truly like you guys. You know I love you all, but I really like you guys, too. I like being with you, and talking with you. Thanks for being yourselves.
Let it be so.
Yesterday. Wow.
Yesterday was one of the happiest and hardest days of my life in a long time. I've never felt so drained and lost, and yet, free. I'll try to explain...
First, I'm sure all of you saw my blushing and uncomfortableness when I was in the Reynolds hotseat. :) I'm not sure why, but I suppose I felt intimidated. When I'm put on the spot, my mind goes blank, and I feel very flustered. So that made it really hard to focus, and I felt my hands shaking.
That didn't start things off too well. But then, we began to discuss (well, Dr. Reynolds lectured) about how we Americans tend to define ourselves by what we do, what our function is.
It seems like that has been me for most of my life. I've never really considered that I could ever be cared for for me; I've always had this subconscious idea that somehow, for people to approve of and like me, I'd have to only act a certain way, to portray myself as the person I always wished I was. The idea that people could love me for my me-ness, just for who I am, seems so simple, but it was mind-blowing. You mean I don't have to always be guarded? It's okay to be me? People can like me for me? God is in love with me for myself, and not for how I act or what I do?
God forgive me, I haven't been living in charity, with unmerited love. Somehow...I've slid into a pit of legalism, thinking of my friends back at home in terms of what they can do for me. Comparing them with you friends, when I should love them for themselves. That seems like it should be enough.
When Dr. Reynolds said, "Don't you want someone to love you for yourself?" I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Something in me completely melted into a puddle on the floor. I guess I never really considered that it could be possible. Perhaps that isn't correct...I've seen it in action, with my parents, but I guess I thought I was a special case. I thought maybe I could earn love if I were enough. If I did enough, if I was smart enough, witty enough, pretty enough. But I finally realize that it's okay to be me. To be Lauren. Faults and defects and all.
Yesterday, I felt really drained and tested and broken. Yet I left session with an other-worldly sense of freedom. I know I'll still struggle with striving, but it's ok to be me. And it's never been okay to be me. I've always struggled with comparing myself to others and falling completely short. But now it is. I'm me, and by God's grace, that's enough. He loves me "just as I am." I'm free. God broke me, and put me back together again. (I sound like Humpty Dumpty.)
Then, we went to play "Sardines" around Metzger, and I had this crazy sense of freedom. I wanted to run for joy and never get tired. (Though Karissa thought I was crazy.) I wanted to frolic. I looked up at the few stars and the sliver of moon, and thought, "God's in heaven, all's right with the world."
Thanks guys, for each one of you. For who you are. You have no idea how much I truly like you guys. You know I love you all, but I really like you guys, too. I like being with you, and talking with you. Thanks for being yourselves.
Let it be so.
posted by Lauren | 7:09 AM
3 Comments:
That's something I wish we had addressed in session - why do humans naturally question love that is without merit? I think Reynolds may have tried to blame it partly on American society and I can buy that to a certain degree, but what about in Psalm 8 when David says to Yahweh, "what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?" It would seem to me that David had this same questioning of love that he had not earned.
Sydney, I totally understand where you are coming from. I find so often that I'm unwilling to trust people who seem to love me just for who I am. I feel like they must be trying to manipulate me in some way that I don't really understand. What's more strange is that I would allow myself to love someone just because they are a person, but I'd never really think that it was possible for other people. Additionally, I always would try to find some function that I loved about a person to justify it as normal or something like that.
I guess I have often been concerned for how I fit in functionally to God's plan. But it was just amazing to learn that there's something more to God's plan than my function. In fact, the most important part about me is not my function, it is my soul. I don't really need to be concerned with what I do but rather with who God is and who I am really. It was so comforting to know that I'm more than what I have done and what I will do.
As far as being intimidated, Wren, I'm intimidated in nearly every Reynold's session even when I'm not on the hot seat, so it would be understandable to me.
I'm still trying to think, learn, and process what was said in session yesterday and I would benefit if we could keep trying to discuss what it is that God has done in each of us in that session, for I'm sure a reminder of what he has done in others will remind our faulty instruments of what was done to our souls.
Note: I said that "God loves me for me." That was a careless statement. After reading Lewis' "Four Loves," I'm thinking that God doesn't love me for anything that I am inherently (I am not naturally "loveable," in that sense), but He loves me because HE IS LOVE.
That is all. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home