We are in the hands and heart of a Loving God

I wanted to post this both to share with you and to praise God for his love.

Please forgive my spelling...

So, Today. It was a good day. Good. I prayed, read my bible, Jesus loves me. Good day. Yet, due to my recent revisiting of the fact that I am a fallen and sinful man that FAILS to really run the race with all I have. I got to feeling 'down'. It wasn't the kind of 'down' that seeps out in your behavior, but a feeling that kept bringing the phrase "failing life" to my mind. This feeling had been tickling my heart every once and a while, but nothing that affected me. Maybe I'm just naturally moody, but it seemed to get stronger over the course of the day as I realized mistakes I've made, and trying to balance realizing that with the knowledge that if I did fully think on that, nothing would ever make me happy again. (Emotion enlarged to show texture...but still the same.) Well, after spending near three hours in a class watching silent films (the first one was about the 'glories' of the kkk and the part of the old south that that belived that....er...: I'm for the South when it comes to the Civil war but do not agree with slavery and deffinitley not the KKK...so I spent two hours trying to settle my soul between the two extremes of "That's innacurate" and "Gosh, that's horrible." ) and that left me with a deep sense of pointlessness...I COULD have been accomplishing something. I after whining to Sydney about how pointless it was and taking the long walk up to sigma, I lumbered towards my room with a progressively heavier heart. For some reason, now I felt like I failure. I needed some company, someone to cheer me up. I really wanted someone I could spill out my black guts to... but then again, I didn't feel like digging deeper into this feeling..but maybe it would pass. I'll settle for being cheered up I guess. The door's locked. Get out my key...keep digging....turn the lock -- ugh -- the other way. As I walked into the room I braced myself for the funny set of barbs that my wonderful roomate and I tend to exchange, instead I was met with an empty room. Almost frantically in search of company I ran through the bathroom to see if anyone was next door that I could talk to. Empty. Empty? As my heart dropped to my toes and dispair flooded up, I realized that I now felt very alone. On a college campus filled with my best friends I was a failure, and all alone. I NEEDED to talk to someone. But I was alone. I felt this need a little more and realized that I wanted more than to talk. I wanted someone with whom I could commune with perfectly. Someone who's heart could connect with mine on a level greater than ever before. But there was no one. No one. I was a failure and there was no one.

In the blink of an eye, I realized (by divine intervention) that GOD was there. I loaughed out loud. Really. In my empty room, I laughed because of the joy this realization filled my heart with. God was there for me. Perfect communion through the blood of Christ. He was there for me. In my distress, God made him self known to my black little heart and that made me happier than I have been in a long time. I kept laughing. How could I have not realized? How stupid. I don't know but I get the feeling that God laughed too, as he held out His scared hands to me. Laughing with the stupid little child that had to be saved from himself. He was there waiting for me the whole time. There is NO GREATER JOY than that wich is found in God's love. None.

I havn't been given any aswers. And every few minutes my chest feels hollow as I remember my failure. But then, just a quickly I'm reminded that He is there, waiting with his Heart open. Making himself vulnerable because of His Love for me. There is no happier thing. Why should our hearts not dance?

Praise good for his Goodness.

~an exultant Greg